Suicidal Tendencies...

[Caligo [Inactive]]

Well, I'm back to make a number of statements. First and foremost: I'm not dead yet.

Now, why, you ask would I make that the prime statement? Well I'll tell you. Being sick and taking a day off is apparently a good reason for your girlfriend of three years to want nothing more to do with you. No other reason. Just bein down a day is a perfect excuse for all hell to break loose.

Now, another prime point: Shit was ugly. Big fuckin deal. Am I hurt? Ya think? Do I feel betrayed and lied to? Hell yes. Am I suicidal? That's never been a real option.

Pop quiz. You think somebody's gonna take something REALLY badly. And that something happens. And you call that person up - against his wishes - and talk to him to piss him off and depress him more, then you waste a good half hour with him telling you in a completely calm, collected, even cold manner that he's gonna be fine. Question is: Do you call the cops?

Mike alias Archangel thought the answer to that all too obvious question was yes. He lives in New fucking Hampsire. I live in Michigan. Now I don't know about you guys, but I can only break so much before I am cold to the world. That point was last night. As such, I have only logic and no compassion for anything, and if I do have emotion in that state, it is only wrath.

So, I tell him about 50 times that I'm fucking fine. This cock smoker calls the fucking sheriff anyway and has them call me and sends an officer out to my house. Wasting time and resources on all accounts. Alright Mike, since you're readin this, maybe YOU handle YOUR hardships with attempts at suicide (lost count and care of how many times, pal), but not all of us do.

SO, in addition to wasting the time of Macomb Dispatch, the cool deputy, myself, and my mother, you've given me yet more hell at her hand. She didn't take all that well to all the bullshit you put her through, Mike. And I don't take well to that shit being on my record. If that's your interpretation of helping out, believe me, NOBODY[/i][/u] needs any enemies with a friend like you.

Now, don't get the impression that I'm coming back. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I said I was through here and I mean it. All I want is a fucking reason WHY[/i][/u] the events of last night took place to begin with. I have my ideas, but I want to hear it from her. I want to know WHY[/i][/u] after the day before we were fine and made the promise not to give up on this until we got to meet at least once - and I was arranging for that in two weeks. Teach me to spend hundreds of dollars and hours of time on somebody - I want to know WHY[/i][/u] now. And if my suspicions are indeed correct, there will literally be hell to pay.

I'm intact, extremely pissed off, hurt, betrayed, and stabbed in the heart through the back, but yeah, everything's good.

A person can only take so much before he says "Fuck it." That was me. And I'm here for answers[/i][/u], not that I think it will change anything. If you're going to throw some one that's been devoted to you for three full years without so much as being within 100 miles of you away, you can at least offer up an excuse instead of hiding behind your keyboard.

I'm through with the bullshit and drama. I'm finished with all of this. I demand a fucking explanation, and I DAMN well better get one if you were worth any of the time I spent on you.

And to Mike, you're finished. Don't you so much as THINK of talking to me ever again. Don't think about asking anyone about me, fuck, don't even fucking THINK ABOUT ME AT ALL! Are we clear?

[Dracomancer]

Only when you have nothing, can you have everything.

Only when your self has been broken into submission and oblivion, can the evils of the world not affect it.

Only when you have lost everything that you care about, can you care about anything.

Only once your self is dead, can your soul live.

And now the explaination of my trancendental fluff. When you have nothing left to live for, you can live for whatever you decide, because all your ties are broken. When you've been broken and hurt and killed and reborn and killed again and reborn from your ashes so many times that you're dead for good, then finally you can live without fear of dying. If your self truely has nothing left, then you can finally live for a goal or another person without fear of how it will affect you. Because there is no you. If you stop caring about life, you can actually go about living it without fear of not living it. The terrible irony of trying so hard not to miss life that you miss it afflicts far too many.

I must say though, arch, you pulled a major stupid. The cops?? Idk, guess your heart was in the right place. See me I would have found that endlessly amusing. I mean really, some huge cop comes up like "Hey there, i've taken a break from running drug busts, catching murderers, and doing other real cop work. I was just sent to make sure you were feelin all warm and fuzzy inside. Yeah, when i'm not shootin gang member's I'm a regular doctor phil."

Roflz... the feel-good police...

In the words of the great Parliament Funkadelic... "Ain't nothin but a party in a black hole"

[Caligo [Inactive]]

Faithless foolish imbiciles...

It's not going to work out.

That's the reason?

I could be wrong, I mean, it sure as hell seems to be the rule, but it would seem to me that I've been bucking the system and defying fate for the past 3 years because of the way I feel about you. I've put up with more bullshit and duress than I ever needed to because of my feelings for you. Phone bills, phone cards, jewelry, the little things I got because they reminded me of you. All of that finance for nothing. Three consecutive years of worry and looking forward to a future - all for what? Nothing.

And the piss poor reason for all of this?

It's not going to work out.

Because it's hard you give up. It hasn't been a fucking cakewalk on my end of the deal either, dammit! My entire life is now for nought thanks to you! Whatever chance I did have for being happy, I cast it off for you. For what? For nothing.

I made the promise to never hurt you. I like to think I lived up to my end of the deal. Foolish of me to expect reciprocation in that matter. Foolish of me to think anything at all, to think I had a chance of being happy. To think I was going to come see you next weekend. To think that all of this shadow and doubt might have been an illusion afterall. I suppose I have you to thank for showing me what is real.

Despair. Hatred. Anguish.

And now, what shall become of the man that has nothing...



I don't need to kill myself when you can break my soul
There's no way for me to escape from the depths of this hole
And nothing more fitting that I can say and nothing I can do
There's nothing left of me in life; I lived it all for (the shattered dream of) you


[glow=indigo,8,600]
-Caligo Omega et Infinum - Damnosus Aequus Anima-

[/glow][/b]